Message to the Electronics in My Life: You’re not the boss of me!

Dear microwave:

>beep beep beep<

I hope that you don’t feel like I’ve been neglecting you, but I feel that you’re too needy in this relationship.  I know that sounds unfair since you give so much and I give so little, but it’s just how I feel.  You’re really great.  You reheat my tomato soup to perfection and…

>beep beep beep<

…let me know when you are finnished with a hearty beep.  I heard the beep and there are a few things I want to get done before I retrieve the soup  So, really…the reminder beep every thirty seconds is unecessary.

>beep beep beep<

Seriously, can I just finish this blog and then I’ll get my soup.  I heard you the first time, seriously.  Your beep was more than sufficient to alert me that you did a job well done.  Now I will get my soup when I’m good and ready.  Look, even if I did miss hearing that you finished heating my soup, the fact that you’re no longer microwaving it is a good clue. 

>beep beep beep<

What do you think is going to happen?  I’m one day going to look up and see the light off inside you and say, “He’s probably not done, yet…maybe he’s just taking a break.  I’ll give him more time.”  It’s not going to happen.  I’m smart enough to realize when you are turned off.

>beep beep beep<

Look, sometimes I just don’t feel like jumping to attention every time you’re done your job.  The soup probably needs to cool, anyway!  You usually overheat it. 

>beep beep beep<

Seriously, why won’t you just let me finish this blog?!?  Please, please, please stop beeping…what’s the worst that will happen if I don’t fetch it right this moment?  Maybe it will get cold and I’ll have to microwave it again.  That’s okay.  I don’t mind that.  Would you mind that?

>beep beep beep<

Okay!  Fine!  I get the point.  I’ll get the soup.  I’m just warning you that it’s real easy to replace you with a machine that doesn’t need instant gratification…

>click<

There.  Are you happy now?  My soup is in front of me cooling instead of inside you.  I’m still not going to eat it until I’m done this blog, so it will be exactly the same temperature as if you hadn’t been beeping on and on.  You’re starting to remind me of my printer at work.  You might know him.  He has a warning beep that sounds like a truck backing up.  He beeps like that when he’s out of paper…even if he’s out of paper because I’m refilling him.  You know what I said to him when I couldn’t take it anymore?  “I know you’re out of paper!  I’m the one that took the paper cartridge out!” and then I took him to the hallway and left him there.  Yup, just bought a new one.  Replaced him.  Just like that…and the same could happen to you.

Seriously, you just need to relax.  I have more than enough demands on my life.  Don’t go beeping at me everytime you feel you need something.

Yours,

Jason

This Year’s Easter Egg Offerings

The Sticker Egg: I always like to have one egg completely encased with stickers.

Although I learned that before making a Dora egg you should check with your four-year-old niece to see if she wants any.

My More Successful Attempt at a Tri-Colored Egg

This is what my family calls my “toxic waste” egg.

The new addition to the egg-dying kit this year was the sparkle egg bag.

But my pride and joy is my “Earth” egg

Foie Gras: How can it be bad if it tastes so good?

So I’m running from one meeting to the next trying decide which portable food to have for dinner: a slice of NY pizza or a Gogurt. The pizza is tastier so it usually wins out, but Gogurt is easier to eat as you’re walking. If only Gogurt were tastier, they would have a solid product on their hands. The solution hits me walking from a very well-catered fashion event to an improv rehearsal. I had to leave the event early, so I missed out on the foie gras. The chef saw me leaving and called me to the back to make me try one…and another…and another. This stuff is amazing! I was tempted to be late for improv just so I could keep eating it, but I had a sense of obligation that compelled me more than tasty goose does.

…so I’m walking away from the event, my mouth watering with the taste of fattened goose liver still on my lips as I contemplate the choice of Gogurt. That’s when it hits me, the greatest invention since pizza-by-the-slice:

Portable Liver

Fattened goose liver to eat on the go!

What I want for lunch today…but I need your help!!!

One of our designers moved out this week and left this tasty tidbit behind.

I was really excited to cook it up for lunch, but l I realized that it was entirely in Japanese!

Anyone able to help me translate how to make this exotic food?

Unusual stat of the day: Someone found my blog by searching for “johnny depp’s gonzo fist necklaces”.  Anyone even know what that could mean?