Tell me how does it feel…how does it feel…to be (married to) me?

On a particularly spasmatic day of my life, I was running from audition to tech to a show, not allowing enough time in between.  These are the days my wife dreads, because I then call her to ask her for at least a dozen favors.

She bails me out, and before I hang up I realize that my life is probably about twelve times crazier than she thought it was going to be when she married me.

I pause for reflection.

“Becky, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“What’s it like being married to me?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“Well…my ear is sticky.”

“Excuse me?”

“There’s mango juice in my phone.”

That pretty much sums it up.

After Eighteen Month of Marriage, Some Advice

In the months leading up to our nuptials, all the married people we knew were offering up advice. 

Much of it didn’t apply to us (“When you have children, make sure…”), a lot of it contradicted each other (“Never go to bed angry.” vs. “Never fight when you’re tired.”), and some of it was so specific that it could only apply to the person giving it (“If you wind up directing your wife in a play…”). 

It seems that everyone and their sister are getting married these days, so it’s time for us to give out advice. 

One of the hardest things to say in a relationship of any sort is “I’m sorry”, but it is even harder to respond to.  Believe me, if you’re married you’re going to be apologizing a lot.  Sometimes because you messed up and you want to admit it, sometimes because something happened to your spouse that is out of your control, and sometimes because you don’t know exactly what is wrong or what caused it.

…so what do you say to “I’m sorry”?

“That’s okay” is tempting, but often not right, because most likely whatever they did was not okay…otherwise they wouldn’t be apologizing.  Don’t forgive something unless you really mean it.  A false forgiveness is as bad as a false apology.

Sometimes it’s not right to forgive someone just because they apologize, but “That doesn’t make it better” doesn’t seem right either. 

It’s true that most apologies don’t really make up for the act, but saying this has the subtext of “Don’t apologize” and will just make the person less likely to apologize in the future. 

To confuse the issue more some apologies are not admitting fault.  Instead it is an expression of empathy.  In these cases it’s easy to say, “It’s not your fault” since often people say they are sorry because something unfortunate has happened to you. 

This doesn’t always have the subtext of “Don’t apologize”, but it often does.

No matter the case, you don’t want to discourage the person from apologizing.  Apologizing is at least some positive act in a negative time, and there’s never a time we don’t need positivity along with whatever else is happening.

What is the proper response to I’m sorry?  Is there one regardless of who was at fault and if anything is going to be forgiven or if it’s possible to make the situation better?  Yes!

The proper response to “I’m sorry” is always “Thank you.” 

And I mean always without exception. 

Any time anyone says “I’m sorry” thank them.

All an apology is…is an expression of sorrow, and that is all it should be. 

When someone says “I’m sorry” they are expressing sorrow because of your state. 

It’s not necessarily a comment on blame or the possibility of making things better.  It means this person cares about you so much that they become sad when something bad happens to you.  Cherish people who feel sorrow at your misfortune, because there are plenty of people in the world that rejoice at the misfortunes of others.  If you find that person who becomes sad when things aren’t right in your life, hold them close…literally and figuratively.  A hug isn’t going to hurt…and it might make you both feel better.

Apartment Move Successful! Thanks to the T’s and the Z’s!

We still haven’t unpacked the boxes. Not from lack of trying, but because we’ve been daunted by our own packing system. Obviously I’ve already unpacked the boxes marked “CPU”, “Monitor”, and “Keyboard and Wires”. There was a slight delay because one of the wires I thought was in “Computer Stuff” but was actually in “Printer and Stuff”. Obviously by the overuse of the word “stuff” on the boxes, the longer we packed the more our labeling system broke down. Here’s a random sampling of some boxes sitting around me in the order that they were packed:

1. Bedroom Mirror
2. Kitchen (Glasses)
3. CD’s and DVD’s
4. Speakers and xBox
5. Pet Supplies*
6. School Stuff
7. Papers and Binders
8. Shoes and Clothes
9. Books, Medicine, and Games
10. Makeup, Batteries, Tall Boots, Baskets, Napkin Holders, Apples to Apples
11. Pencils, Pens, Posters, Fabric, Purses, Britney Spears Voodoo Doll, Water Bottles, Paint, Photographs, Dice, Dustbuster
12. Miscellaneous Bags
13. Miscellaneous Wires and Strings
14. Miscellaneous Scissors, Knives, Pencil Sharpener, and Incense
15. Miscellaneous Fragile and Not Fragile
16. Miscellaneous Stuff
17. Becky’s Stuff
18. Stuff
19. More Stuff
20. (This box just has a nervous scribble across it as if the writer had a breakdown trying to figure out how to label it.)

* We don’t own a pet.

From My Wife: Please help us support breast cancer research.

Dear Friends and Family,

Did you know that every three minutes, another woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer? Every three minutes. Because I cannot ignore this shocking statistic, I’ve made a commitment to work toward changing it, and I need your help.

On October 4-5, 2008, I’ll spend the weekend walking, along with thousands of other people, in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I will walk at least the distance of a marathon (26.2 miles), and I may choose to walk as far as a marathon and a half. I will also raise at least $1,800 in donations to the cause. I’ll have to spend the next few months training, fund raising, and preparing for the event. It’s the biggest challenge I’ve ever taken on, but I’m very excited about doing it because I know it will make a real difference to the millions of people affected by breast cancer.

The money raised is managed and disbursed by the Avon Foundation, a 501(c)(3) public charity with a mission to fund access to care and finding a cure for breast cancer. The Avon Foundation funds both local and national organizations in five key areas: medical research; education and early detection programs; clinical care; and support services, all with a focus on the medically under-served.
Please help to support my efforts and this critically important cause by making a generous contribution. You can make your donation online by simply clicking on the link at the bottom of this message, which will bring you right to my personal page. Please remember as you’re making your donation that in less than the time it took to read this e-mail, another woman in the U.S. was diagnosed with breast cancer.

You can also help me by passing this message along to others who may be interested in being a part of the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.

Thank you for your support,

P.S. you can find out more about the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer by visiting http://www.avonwalk.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1660&px=4049393

For those of you that are interested enough in The Handsome Room:

People have asked me for the story of the name “The Handsome Room”.  It was a discovery that actually came from one of the hardest decisions of getting married:One of the things that Peeps and I decided early on was that we wouldn’t be held my any conventions of society to which we didn’t choose to be held. We made every decision of the wedding with this in mind: the dress, the cake, and…finally…our last name. Although the length didn’t appeal to us, hyphenating became the best option. Zimmerman-Tyne didn’t roll trippingly off the tongue, so we went with Tyne-Zimmerman.

For a while we played with the idea of a portmanteau. (As a carrollophile it appealed to me because, like a traveling case with two compartments, there are two meanings packed up into one word.) Zimmertyne ran a close second, and I’m still rather fond of it. Especially when I realized the secret meaning hidden within.Zimmerman comes from the German words Zimmer (Room) and Man; the “Room-Man” is the man who builds rooms: a carpenter…just like my father-in-law. Tyne has a different meaning depending on which member of my family you ask. If you asked my grandfather, he would have told you it meant everything from tall and chiseled to rich and successful depending on his particular mood that day. In the end it has a masculine connotation of attractive, so let’s say it means “handsome”…just like my father.  Zimmer+Tyne then means The Handsome Room, and what better image of a marriage could there be of two people from separate houses building one Handsome Room together?

 

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. T-Z! I’ll miss you!

My wife is away for the entire month of July, and except for the 100-hour anxiety attack I suffered during the first week of her absence, I’m doing okay. In fact, I found the silver lining to her absence…the Netflix queue. Normally I’ve been very good about not pushing movies she wants to see from the top of the queue, but with her away, I can front-load the top of my Netflix cue with…MUSICALS! Yes, I think that the combined might of Stephen Sondheim and Richard O’Brien will be able to ease me through the separation anxiety of being without my wife on my first anniversary. I’ll miss you Mrs. T-Z, but I’ll always have Gypsy Rose Lee…

I didn’t realize that I was such a stereotype.

Mrs. T-Z suggested a while back that we have themed rooms in our house.  She simply meant that we could put all the Africana in the living room and all our friends’ artwork in the bedroom.  I, of course, take everything to extremes so I decided that every room in the apartment needed a theme.  Luckily with only four rooms in our apartment, this just left the kitchen and the bathroom.  The kitchen would obviously be for food-related decorations, and after much deliberation decided that the bathroom should be the black-and-white photography room. 

We don’t have that much black-and-white photography, but luckily we don’t have that much wall-space in our bathroom.  Our “theme” consists of two pictures.  One of Washington Square Park from Becky’s college years, and one of me from temple.  As I was hanging it, I commented on how thin I was back then. 

Mrs. T-Z says, “Yeah, I’m surprised that you still fit into those jeans.” 

She smirks at me, and I realize that I was wearing the same black Levis jeans as I was in the photograph.  I know that she’s commenting on my style of dress (or lack thereof) rather than my weight. 

I say, “Some things you just hold on to, you know?”

She suggests that it might be time to invest in a new pair of jeans.  I take the jeans and put them in the Goodwill pile to go to a new home.

The next day I go into work as I normally do.  It’s a pretty laid-back office, so I don’t need to wear a tie or anything.  Instead I usually go for the sweater-over-a-button-down-shirt look.  Boss-lady looks at me and tells me that I look “exactly like a theater director”.  She goes down a list of what she’s always imagined directors to look like: charcoal sweater over a colorful shirt, hair that says “I’ve got more important things to do than get a haircut”, and just a touch of facial hair. 

“The only thing that’s missing” she says, “is a pair of black jeans.  I always think of directors wearing the same ratty pair of black Levis that they have for decades, but your black slacks are nice too.” 

“Actually,” I say “funny thing about that…”

What I’ve Learned in My First Six Months of Marriage…or…The Gift of the (Newlywed) Magi…

The biggest thing that I’ve learned in the first six months of marriage is just to loosen up and try things your spouse’s way.  For those of you that think of me as very loose and carefree, it might surprise you that I find comfort in patterns.  I like find a way of doing things that works and then I keep doing it.  For example: I realize that it’s good for the pipes in the shower to drain, so I leave the the shower knob halfway between “shower” and “tub” so it drains fully.  Becky thinks that it should be turned all the way down to drain fully.  I decided to take the one thing I’ve learned about marriage to heart and do this one, small thing her way.  How hard is going to be to remember to turn the knob all the way down?  I can do this one thing for her, it will make her happy, and probably won’t effect our pipes one way or the other.

The problem is that I kept forgetting to do this one, simple thing.  Every time I shower I find that I gain left the toggle-knob was in the half-way position.  Every time and swear that at the end of the shower I’ll remember, but alas…each time I get in I realize that the knob is back half-way.  I feel really bad that I can’t remember to do this one small thing for Becky.  To my surprise it frustrated Becky just as much, but not for the reason I thought.  A couple of days ago Becky seemed upset and told me, ”I’ve been trying to leave the knob half-way like you like it, but I keep forgetting!  Everytime I get in the shower I realize that I left it all the way down!  I keep trying to remember, but I just can’t!”  I smile as I realize that we both had the same plan to make each other happy, but wound up foiling each other.  O. Henry would be proud.