Two film treatments to catch the eye of all you producers out there:

Jim Carrey in The Family Jewels.

Plot

Donna Peyton (Erin Hilgartner) is a ten-year-old who is orphaned when her father dies and leaves her with a $200 million fortune. Her late father’s attorney, John Wyman (Wallace Shawn), explains that she must visit each of her six uncles (all played by Jim Carrey) and decide which of them will become her new “father.” Willard Woodward (also played by Jim Carrey) is the family chauffeur who takes Donna to all of her uncles to stay with them for a period of time.

• The six uncles that Carrey will portray are:

1. Bill: A fire marshall

2. Ace: A pet detective

3. Charlie: A state trooper

4. Lloyd: A limo driver

5. Chip: A cable installer

6. Fletcher: A career-driven lawyer

Roll credits.

Fantastic Four 3:The (new) Fantastic Four

Plot

A renegade Skrull, De’Lila (Elisha Cuthbert) crashes on Earth, with a Skrull ship in hot pursuit. De’Lila, a Shape-Shifter, slips into the Baxter Building, and one by one incapacitates each member of the Fantastic Four (Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, and Michael Chiklis) by pretending to be a loved one that has their confidence.

The pursuing Skrulls (George Clooney and Matt Damon) land on the Mole Man’s infamous “Monster Island.” The bio-readings given off the by gigantic monsters that live there are similar enough to the Skrulls so they can be easily controlled by Skrull technology. Thus the Skrulls use the monsters to search the world for De’Lila, and they begin showing up in every major city of the world Godzilla-style.

Realizing that she is being pursued she poses as Susan Richards and sends out a mental call to Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire), Bruce Banner (Edward Norton), Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), and Ghost Rider (Nicolas Cage), gathering them at the Baxter Building. She relays the shocking story of how the rest of the FF have been murdered (even showing them the FF’s “bodies”) and gives them the means to trace and follow the FF’s “assassins,” hoping that under false pretenses, the heroes will destroy the Skrulls in their desire to avenge the Fantastic Four and thus leave her to her own devices. The “New” Fantastic Four, as Wolverine dubs them, then sets out to nab the “killers,” tracking the Skrulls to Monster Island.

Meanwhile, back at the Baxter Building, with the rest of the FF in captivity, De’Lila tells Reed Richards what she is after: an egg that will soon hatch and bear a “inorganic technodroid” (i.e. big killer robot) that she plans to use to murder the Skrull emperor (Tim Robbins). The two are able to trace the egg to Monster Island and they set forth there as well. Eventually the rest of the Fantastic Four is able to escape the trap that De’Lila has them in, and they journey to the island setting the stage for the climactic fight that every comic book movie must have. But first the “new” Fantastic Four realizes they’ve been had and joins the “old” Fantastic Four to fight the Skrulls. De’Lila is defeated, but the Mole Man (John Ratzenberger) decides to play mad supervillain and holds both the skrulls and the Fantastic Eight in captivity.  Spidey is able to convince him that his partners in the New Fantastic Four are strong enough (and ill-tempered enough) to literally bring his subterranean empire down around his head.  Mole Man agrees to let them all go in exchange for continued for promised seclusion on his island with his beloved monsters.

Roll credits.

Leaked! Check out a preview of the “Saw VI” script (that I wrote).

(Darkness.)

 
                                     ADAM

          Help! Someone help me!

(He stops when he hears a loud dragging sound somewhere in the room. He looks out into the darkness and calls out.)

Is someone there? Hey!

(in a slightly softer but still panicked voice)

Shit, I’m probably dead.

(Suddenly, from out within the darkness comes a man’s low, raspy voice. It startles Adam. The voice, we will soon learn, belongs to LAWRENCE.)

                                     LAWRENCE

          You’re not dead.

 
                                     ADAM

          Who’s that? Who’s that?!

                                     LAWRENCE

(his voice strangely a bit on the calm side, and almost irritated with Adam’s reaction to the situation. This shall be his tone for many scenes to come.)

There’s no point in yelling, I already tried it.

 

                 ADAM

          Turn on the lights!

 

                 LAWRENCE

          Would if I could.

                 ADAM

 

Shh! Hang on a second, I think I found something.

(With a loud click and an even louder buzzing sound, the very bright fluorescent lights come to life. As they come on, Adam is nearly blinded by the sudden change from pitch black to bright white and squints in pain, holding up his arms to cover his face. It takes him a moment but his eyes finally start to adjust, and he looks around the room. He and we see Lawrence, who also winces from the glare of the lights, chained to the wall hanging over a radiator.  There is a shot glass under one of his feet. He wears a blue button-down dress shirt, now soaked with sweat stains.)

(He is sweating so profusely due to the heat of the radiator that he is literally dripping with sweat.  Lawrence’s eyes adjust to the light and he sees across the room.  Then, his gaze starts towards the center of the room, as does Adam’s, a look of horror on his face. We see a gallon-sized pot of water on a grill next to which lies several dozen hot dogs, cooked. To the left of the grill is a micro cassette recorder.)

(The shot cuts to Adam, who reels in shock and disgust.)

                                     ADAM

            What the fuck is this?

                                     LAWRENCE

            Calm down, just calm down.

(He knows that to remain calm is to remain in control, something he must be no matter what the situation.)

  Are you hurt?

(Adam looks down at himself, shrugging slightly.)

                                     ADAM

            I don’t know!
 
(He pauses, touching himself to see if he is hurt.  When he touches his left pocket he feels something.  He pulls out a plastic baggie with a white envelope in it. He unfolds the baggie; the envelope says ADAM. He stares at it in his hands, wondering what it is. Adam reaches into the envelope, pulls out a micro cassette tape. A close up shows the words “Play Me” written on the tape label. Adam holds it in his hand, studying it.)

                                     LAWRENCE

          What is that? 

                                     ADAM

(glances up briefly at Lawrence, then back down at the tape. His voice sounds slightly surprised.)

It’s a tape.

(He goes to the player, picks it up. He pops in the tape and presses play, holding the tape recorder out a bit so that they can both hear, but keeping his head tilted so he can hear better. A chilling deep, raspy, sinister male voice, The Jigsaw Killer, comes from the tape. As it speaks, Adam’s expression is fearful, but the thought “How does he know?” can be detected.)

                                     JIGSAW

(on tape)

Rise and shine, Adam. You’re probably wondering where you are. I’ll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in. Up until now, you simply sat in the shadows, letting others make choices from you But today is the day that you must make a decision for yourself.  If you don’t or can’t make this choice, you will remain locked in this room to die.  So are you going to watch yourself die today, Adam? Or do something about it?  The game is simple.  All you have to do is make a choice.

(Adam glances down at the tape recorder wide-eyed, then back up at Lawrence)
The choice is this.  Would you rather drink a gallon of hotdog water

(another view of the pot from Adam’s POV)

or would you rather do a shot of another man’s foot sweat.

(another view of the shot glass collecting Lawrence’s sweat)

Which would you rather do?  If you refuse to pick one, I’ll leave you in this room to rot. Let the game begin.

(The looks on each man’s face clearly say “Oh Shit”. From the tape Jigsaw’s maniacal laughing is heard.  Adam SCREAMS as loud as he can in terror and despair, “No! Don’t!!!” over and over and crying. The screams fade out, and is replaced by the ending titles and instrumental music.)

               THE END

Happy Feet: Agenda Unmasked

I, of course, have not yet seen The Golden Compass because I believe the reports from Bill Donohue that “The Golden Compass” promotes atheism to kids, but I can tell you that if your kids have seen Happy Feet, they will be able to survive the dangers of Philip Pullman’s books. Pullman fully admits to his intentions to reject the faith that was handed to them, but if they have been trained to be free from doubt they are in no risk. This is why Happy Feet is a far more dangerous because unlike the anti-orthodoxy stance of Pullman’s film, Happy Feet does not promote atheism but instead plants the seeds of doubt that will work their way slowly into your kids’ minds. It pretends to be a pro-ecology film disguised as a kids movie, but this is exactly what the film studio wanted you to think…so that you wouldn’t realize it’s anti-faith themes.

For example, Glen Beck, conservative radio host, called it an “animated version of An Inconvenient Truth” and Neil Cavuto, one of the Fox News anchors, said “I half expected Al Gore to pop up!” but only Michael Medved picked up on it’s darker, more sinister messages, “There’s also a bizarre anti-religious bias operating unmistakably and gratuitously in the film…” How can you miss it? If you think that
The Golden Compass will make your child start considering the nature and purpose of religion on a deeper level, what do you think they’ll do when they watch happy feet? They will start thinking that it’s acceptable to have ideas different than the accepted dogma! Absolute faith is the only thing that keeps your children safe from open-mindedness, and only a complete lack of doubt will protect them from the ability to explore theological ideas on their own.

If you’ve seen the film (and I hope you haven’t) think about it. Here you have a community living in complete harmony with each other and their God. They have practiced this orthodoxy for thousands of years and they are perfectly happy following Noah (You know, named after the guy who saved us at the first catastrophe of mankind.) on his righteous path. A free-thinker comes along and plants the seeds of doubts in the minds of his fellow youth that perhaps…just perhaps…it’s okay to have your own ways of doing thing that differs from the accepted systems. When he is shunned (and rightly so) for pursuing these dangerous ideas, he drops the big one…that maybe there’s something out there more important than the rules and orthodoxy…perhaps the greater power isn’t exactly what you “know” it to be!

I urge the Catholic League to urge Christians to urge each other to stay away from this movie precisely because of this slippery slope to walk down: first comes doubt, then comes free thinking, then comes the ability to come to new and radical understandings of God. Luckily the movie has been quickly buried in the back shelves of Blockbuster before it did too much damage, but children can still find it…and if they can find that movie, they may be able to find others like Dumbo or Footloose…or The Crucible…and no parent who wants to bring their children up in absolute faith will want these movies in their home. Dumbo teaches that it’s okay to be different than the crowd…Footloose takes it a step farther and teaches that it’s okay to act differently…The Crucible takes it over the top and teaches that it’s okay to actually think differently than your communinity…and we all know that thinking is more dangerous than any other act. We must put an end to it in our children.

It is important that all Christians, especially those with children or grandchildren, do whatever it takes to keep these kinds of movies out of their homes. Anyone who pays attentions to the dangerous undertones of these films will be armed with all the ammunition they need to convince friends and family members that there is nothing innocent about individuality, iconoclasm, and radical thinking. After all, look at the life of Jesus Christ: he didn’t stir up trouble or encourage people to question their orthodoxy. He never caused anyone to have a radical thought or caused people to break away from their religion with a new and fresh outlook on spirituality. He…oh wait, he did, didn’t he? Okay forget that example. Think about Abraham, Saint Peter, and Saint Paul!

Please get the word out, and remember the words of Noah, “Stop this unruly nonsense! Stop it right now! A little self-control if you please! You bring this disorder and this abhorration to the very heart of our community. Have you lost your mind? Harmless? It is this kind of backsliding that has brought the scarcity upon us! Don’t you understand that we can only survive here when we’re in harmony? Dissent leads to division, and division leads us to doom!” a truer word was never spoken…and this move ridicules such views!

…and Happy Feet’s response?

“There are things we don’t understand…mysteries…mind-boggling mysteries.” What kind of messsage is that to send to little kids? We need more moves that tell kids “We understand everything! Everything we believe is right, and there’s no need to think about it because it’s just true!” Where are the movies like that these days?