My wife is away for the entire month of July, and except for the 100-hour anxiety attack I suffered during the first week of her absence, I’m doing okay. In fact, I found the silver lining to her absence…the Netflix queue. Normally I’ve been very good about not pushing movies she wants to see from the top of the queue, but with her away, I can front-load the top of my Netflix cue with…MUSICALS! Yes, I think that the combined might of Stephen Sondheim and Richard O’Brien will be able to ease me through the separation anxiety of being without my wife on my first anniversary. I’ll miss you Mrs. T-Z, but I’ll always have Gypsy Rose Lee…

Yesterday I unintentionally got in a conversation with a radical.  I didn’t mean to.  I try to avoid radicals like the plague, but he looked harmless and needed help navigating the subway.  It started as a simple pro-Bush rant glowing of how well he protects us from terrorism.  A full lecture on 9/11 followed.  I sat and listened, gritting my teeth, staying silent as the allegations became more and more wackjob.  The crowning moment was the fact that the Clinton administration knew about the plans for the World Trade Center attacks kept it a secret from the Bush administration out of spite and malice. 

The train slows down for a stop; it’s not mine.  I have time…a lot of time, so I decided to play along for the sake of conversation. 

“I’m surprised that a secret known by that many people wouldn’t have leaked to the next administration by someone.” 

He of course had an answer for that.

“That would be true if the entire administration knew about it.  Only four other people…and exactly four other people…besides the Clintons* had knowledge of the attack, and only one of them stayed on to the Bush administration.”  He cites a name that I probably should know as an American, but don’t.  He continues, “so it was easy for that one person to keep it a secret.” 

*I kind of love the fact that he kept referring to Hilary as one of the “inner six”; even though the President’s cabinet didn’t know about 9/11, the first lady surely did.

“Really?” I ask, dropping the playing-along facade a bit.  “I find it hard to believe that only six people in our entire government knew about the 9/11 attacks and it didn’t manage to spread to a single person more.” 

“My friend, don’t find anything hard to believe.”

There it is.  He actually repeated it in case I missed this nugget of golden advice.

“Don’t find anything hard to believe.” 

This is the worst advice anyone has ever given me…probably could give anyone.  We are being trained subconcsiously to take this advice, but I’ve never heard anyone actually state it as advice to be followed.  I would go so far as to say that most of the problems of the world are caused by zealots that believe things unquestionably, and I don’t use zealots with strictly a religious connotation.  Any person in power or that gives power to another because of unquestioning faith in anything, religious or otherwise, is dangerous.  I’ve found a healthy amount of doubt in any situation will usually bear positive fruit. 

In fact, isn’t it impossible to not finding anything hard to believe?  Unfortunately L’esprit de l’escalier being what it is I didn’t think to say, “Good advice.  I won’t find anything hard to believe.  I don’t it hard to believe that only five people in this country had knowledge of the 9/11 attacks.  That feels good.  I don’t find it hard to believe that the 9/11 attacks never happened.  Wait a second…” until I was heading up the escalator away from him.  You can’t find two conflicting things easy to believe.  You can find two conflicting things hard to believe, and you should before taking any critical measure.

Let’s look back at history at the top ten things I wish the we as Americans had found hard to believe:

1: “President Andrew Johnson, we find it easy to believe that freed-men’s basic rights of citizenship will be recognized in the south.”

2: “President Lyndon Johnson, we find it easy to believe that the Desoto patrol was attacked by the North Vietnamese.”

3: “President Eisenhower, we find it easy to believe that Americans would never violate Soviet airspace.”

4: “President Wilson, we find it easy to believe that membership in the League of Nations will threaten the sovereignty of the United States.”

5: “President Nixon, we find it easy to believe that an FBI investigation into presidential affairs could cause national security risks.”

6: “President Madison, we find it easy to believe that the British are instigating American Indians on the frontier to attack American settlements.”

7: “President Jefferson, we find it easy to believe that a self-imposed prohibition on trade with Europe will improve our economy.”

8: “President Kennedy, we find it easy to believe that the targets of the Bay of Pigs invasion are modern fighter aircraft and rockets that endanger America’s security.”

9: “President Reagan, we find it easy to believe that the United States didn’t exchanged arms for hostages.”

10: “President Bush, we find it easy to believe that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.”

In each of these cases if we found what the president told us hard to believe, perhaps we would have called them to account before they acted…perhaps a healthy dose of doubt in our nation could have avoided some of the most regrettable actions that our country has taken.

If anyone knows my recent obsession, you might think that I asked ChaCha what makes a person gay.  ChaCha has proved itself to be pretty unreliable as of late, so I turned to my second favorite website: Pandora.  For anyone that doesn’t know, Pandora is an Internet-radio site that utilizes the music genome project to play stations tailor-suited to you.  What’s amazing is the way it analyzes the music you like and then plays music with similar attributes.  If you’ve ever read Blink, you know that we don’t always know why we like the things we do.  This makes our judgement faulty.  Pandora knows what you like better than you know yourself.  For example: in the office both Ms. Boss and I like the Brass Monkey Brass Band, so I agreed to used that as an “artist seed” to start our station.  I was doubtful because I don’t like most Brass Bands…some, but not all.  I couldn’t pick a brass band mix that I liked, but Pandora could!  The music that followed was great, but why?  Here’s where it gets fun.  You can ask Pandora, “Why did you play this song?”   You push the button, and Pandoratells you that the mix is based on “New Orleans influence, lead big band, and alto sax solos”.  Alto sax solos?  Interesting!  I didn’t even know I liked alto sax solos, but there it is.  All the Brass Band songs I like have alto sax solos!  I guess all a long I was a closeted altosaxual.  (I wonder if this will come as a surprise to my family.)

Another day we seeded a station with It’s Raining Men by The Weathergirls.  It was kind of a joke inspired by a chance encounter a coworker had with Paul Shaffer who penned the tune.  We didn’t really think of what songs would be based on it, but they had a surprising theme.  It wasn’t so much the songs that followed, but the albums from which the songs were from: Almighty Gay Anthems, Gay Happenings, Greatest Gay Movie Hits, and so on.  What did all of these songs have in common that made them gay?  We asked Pandora, “Why did you play this song?”  The answer was, “They all have disco groove based compositions, subtle use of piano, and vocal harmonies.”  That’s the answer!  The definition of gay…scientifically proven.  If  you like songs based on disco grooves, subtle pianos and vocal harmonies, you’re totally gay!

You know how these work: someone starts a survey, posts it with their answers, and then you’re supposed to re-post it with your own answers.  Sometimes, though, don’t you wonder about how and why these things get started?

1. It’s 2 AM on the weekend, and you are not home…where are you?
If it’s that late, I’m most likely on a subway, trying to get home.

2. What’s the last thing you spent more than $400 on?
Our new computer.

3. Are you sure?
Yes

4. Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?
It was on sale at target.

5. Were you wearing it last night?
No

6. Really?
Yes… (?)

7. What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
our couch

8. Okay, let’s go back to last night…where  were you at 2 AM?
Okay…I was sleeping last night at 2 AM.

9. Funny, because I think I saw you at Webster Hall.
I’ve never been to Webster Hall.

10. Did you think I wouldn’t recognize you?
I don’t really try to disguise my appearance ever, so I would assume that you’d recognize me if you knew me.

11. What was the last song you heard?
This morning I was listening to Allison Krauss.

12. What did it remind you of?
My honeymoon.

13. It didn’t make you think of me?
What?!? No, it made me think of my wife.

14. Have you forgotten that it used to be our song?
What are you talking about?  I’ve never really had “a song” with anybody.

15. Who was that guy you were dancing with?
I wasn’t dancing.  I was getting ready for work.

16. What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Cleaning the Bathroom

17. I would do that for you.
Thanks…?

18. Would you like me to come over and do it for you now?
No…I’m at work.  Why would you want to clean my bathroom?

19. Where do you live these days?
New York

20. What part?
One of the Outer Burroughs

21. What’s your address?
Look…I’m not going to tell you where I live.

22. What were you doing last night?
I had Improv rehearsal.

23. You think I’m going to believe that?
You’re the one that asked.

24. Seriously, where were you?
Seriously…With my Improv Group.

25. Who was that guy you were with?
Colin

26. Why were you all up on his grill?
We were doing a scene together; he was playing my wife.

27. Were you just using him to make me jealous?
No!

28. Seriously, because it doesn’t bother me…you can go out and whore yourself out as much as you want.
Whoa…relax, tiger.  It was just an acting scene.

29. Do you think you’ll be married in ten years?
I’m already married.

30. Do you still think about me?
I don’t even know who you are.

31. What were you doing at 8 pm last night?
Dude, you’re seriously creeping me out.

32. Admit that you still love me.

???

If you missed my class performing the “Impasto” at the PIT theater last week, you are in luck!  We’ve got two more shows! After our last class with Rebekka Johnson, we are ready to graduate. Tonight at 7pm and June 30th also at 7pm. Click here for more information.

P.S. The interesting blog-stat for the week is that someone found my blog searching for “mädel aus krain”; anyone speak German and know what he was looking for?

…but what happens when you meet the Buddha on the subway?  Give him a good shove!  Seriously, he won’t mind.

I’m on the subway, having the typical interaction with that guy that insists on standing in the substibule…and this time he’s as big as the Buddha.

As I push by him I try the rational approach, “You know if you step into the car, we don’t have to push by you as we get on the train.”

“That’s okay, we all have to get on the train.”

I finish pushing by him and try my second tactic, “You would actually be more comfortable stepping in to the train.  You see?  …because then we wouldn’t have to push you to get through.”

He shrugs with a nod of his head, “People get pushed in life.  You have to be okay with it.”

“You don’t mind being bumped around?”

“In life, bumps happen.”

“Really?”

“You can’t let it bother you.”

Usually reaching out to people’s selfish side, their desire for self-comfort works, but not this time.  Could I have actually encountered someone in a state of Nirvana…perfectly content and without desire while riding the subway.  Could this man really care not a wit about his own comfort?  Is this really the way he lives?  He certainly seemed as happy as can be possible…

I decided to test him.  At the next stop, he’s still standing in the doorway just as fat as ever, and there are people on the train that desperately want to get off.  Again, he would not move.

I cry out, “Just push him out of the way!  He doesn’t mind getting shoved!”

The guy trying to get off looks at me inquisitively, precious seconds ticking by before he loses his egress.  He looks at the Buddha who just shrugs and nods.  The commuter decides to take my advice and pushes the Buddha…hard.  The Buddha reels but remains perfectly content.  He is indeed in Nirvana.

…but here’s my problem with my Subway Buddha.

Nirvana seems to be effective enough to bring contentedness to the self, but in this case it is at the sacrifice of others’ happiness.  Is it possible to achieve Nirvana for yourself if you also bring unhappiness to others? Just not-wanting doesn’t seem to be the answer.  Is it too much to ask for people to go out of their way to make life easier for someone else, or does wanting other’s lives to be better interfere with one’s quest for Nirvana?

It’s the end of another academic year, so it’s time for my end-of-the-year review of Theater.  Here are the 2007/2008 Tyne Awards for Excellence in Theater (that I’ve Seen):

Best Broadway Play: August Osage County (Steppenwolf Theatre Company)

Best Broadway Musical: Spamalot (Eric Idle)

Best Off-Broadway Play: After-Dark (Striking Viking Story Pirates)

Best Off-Broadway Musical: Chosen (Dysfunctional Theatre Company)

Best Short Play: Gerry (The Drilling Company)

Best Event: Shut Up!  I Hate You! (Upright Citizens Brigade Theater)

Best Musical Event: Blue Man Group (Blue Man Productions)

Best Actor: Frank Zelinyi (The Invisible Man)

Best Actress: Amy Morton (August Osage County)

Best Actor in a Musical: Jonathan Hadary (Spamalot)

Best Actress in a Musical: Helen Mallon (The Wolves in the Wall)

Best Actor in a Short Play: Adam Purvis (DeCADEnce)

Best Actress in a Short Play: Christina Augello (Her Majesty)

Best Improv Group: Fried & Mandeville (Matt Fried and Jess Mandeville)

Best Improv Show:  Teen Movie High (Gotham City Improv)

Best Improv Actor: Sean Hart (Fwand)

Best Improv Actress: Rhea Dates (Threat)

Best Direction in a Play:  Daniel Sullivan (Midsummer Night’s Dream)

Best Direction of a Musical: Rick Vorndran (The Chosen)

Best Direction of a Short Play: Guilherme “Guil” Parreiras (The 4H Club)

Best Choreography: Dax Valdes (Honor)

Best Live Music: Blue Man Group (Blue Man Productions)

Best Scenic Design: Eugene Lee (Midsummer Night’s Dream)

Best Costume Design:Crouch (Wolves in the Wall)

Best Lighting Design: Evan Purcell (Honor)

Special Award for Lifetime Achievement in the Theater: Akia Squitieri (Rising Sun Performance Company)

Best Theater Group/Company: Barrett and Goldman (Rififi’s)

Special Award: Subway Series (For Pushing the Limits of People’s Expectations of Improv)

…oh, and as always…trophies are available on demand…

For this weekend’s Sporknotes show if you can answer a trivia question on literature, you get half-price tickets.  In the spirit of “Sparknotes”, we decided that cheating should be encouraged.  So…periodically on websites relating to myself and to Sporknotes there will be clues listed to help you get in for half price.  Your first cheat follows:

A Tale of Two Cities was published in weekly installments from April to November of what year?

Answer: 1859

My American history is admittedly pretty weak, but what I do remember from high school is that a defensive war is always easier to win that an offensive war.  This is why thirteen rag-tag colonies were able to win a war against the British Empire: there’s no way they could have taken down the empire, but they could hold their ground which is a lot easier.  A body at rest tends to stay at rest; meaning that it’s easier to keep what you have than to force property to change hands.  The Brits had a better military, but they had to mobilize and invade.  The Americans could spend all of their time and resources preparing.

So…have we prepared?  No.  We’ve been busy attacking to prepare a defense.  True, there hasn’t been a terrorist attack since 9/11.  Bush claims that this is because we’ve actively thwarted several attempts.  We could assume that no news is good news, except for the fact that we have had clear evidence that we are not prepared in case of a crisis.  Remember hurricane Katrina?  It wasn’t a terrorist act, but our government proved that it was completely unprepared to deal with a disaster.  Perhaps if we spent more time at home preparing for unknown crises instead of throwing ourselves into the gunfire, we could have been ready to help people here at home. 

This is something that has been said before, but upcoming poker night made me realize what the new paradigm must be that our government needs to adopt.

One of the prime strategies in poker is “Don’t try to beat the other players; let them try to beat you.” 

A lot of Americans are starting to doubt that Al-Qaeda is actively pursuing terrorist attacks, that they are sitting on their asses in a cave and all the fighting is for naught.  Let me tell you, if the big A-Q isn’t sitting around on their asses, they should be.  We’ve killed almost twice as many Americans in our war on terror as they killed New Yorkers in their WTC attacks.  Letting us fight them (er, Iraq) is twice as effective than flying planes into sky scrapers.  A-Q’s most effective strategy right now is to sit back and let us decimate our own army fighting in Iraq. 

Now, imagine if we employed the poker strategy, as it seems they have.  What would happen we didn’t try to beat them and just let them try to beat us?  Scary thought?  Maybe not.

If terrorist attacks would have happened if we didn’t attack Iraq is a moot point, but there are some situations worth speculating on in regards to what our American soldiers could have accomplished if they had been on the defense instead of the offence.  I had trouble finding current numbers on Iraq, but in 2006 there were 126,900 U.S. soldiers currently in Iraq.  Add the 5,000 dead to that, round down because many of the soldiers that were there in 2006 are now dead, and you get about 130,000 U.S. soldiers that could be actively defending America rather than actively offending the world.

Our national guard is spread thin right now.  Bridges alone keep them busy, as prime targets for terrorists there are nearly 500,000 of them in America identified as terrorist targets.  Perhaps if those 130,000 U.S. soldiers had been here they could help take some of the stress of the National Guard.  What about skyscrapers?  There are almost 500 skyscrapers in this country.  That means instead of killing Iraqis to keep us safe, the army could station 260 soldiers at each skyscraper in America…or they could be guarding our natural-gas pipelines.  200,000 miles is a lot for the National Guard to guard, but if the army was here instead of over there they could station 65 men for every 100 miles of pipe…or they could guard power plants.  I’d feel a lot safer to have 46 soldiers in each power plant in this country than 130,000 soldiers killing people who may or may not be terrorists.

…so the lesson of the day is that if you’re ever playing poker with George Bush and he goes “all in”, there’s a pretty good chance that he’s got nothing. 

I swore I wouldn’t play matchmaker again since my last match, the ill-matched Mr. and Mrs. Edwards lasted only as long as it took the minister to literally wash her hands of the marriage.  This time I don’t see how I can miss!  There’s this guy in the office across the street from me. 

He’s the type of guy that you probably don’t even notice unless you’re looking for him…kind of like that girl at the coffee shop who’s there every day…you might have noticed her the first day, but then she eventually becomes part of the decor…but then, BAM, she changes her image and my whole outlook changed.  Suddenly I thought of that guy across the the street and realized that they are the perfect couple.  Don’t you think so? 

Should I set them up or what?