Not Appropriate to Discuss in the Airport

I’m tired of this no-liquid rule for airplanes. A little because it is a safety precautions that is designed to make us feel safer instead of actually making us safer, but mostly because it conflicts with my personal comfort. I don’t really mind taking off my shoes in the airport. I don’t believe it makes me safer to do so, but if they want to put up with foot odour all day so be it…but I draw the line at when they take my water away from me at the gate and THEN charge me two dollars for a bottle of water on the plane! Water should be free in all public places. It’s as necessary for survival as the air! If the plane ride is longer than twenty minutes, then I need to drink water at some point during it. So I start plotting.

We start with why the rule is ineffectual, because I wouldn’t want to practice civil disobedience against a rule I agree with.

Travel-sized bottles are allowed in sizes of 3 oz or less. This allows you to bring your mouthwash, cologne, and contact solution with you even if you don’t check luggage. Just put your 3 oz bottles in a clear Ziploc bag and you’re in like Flynn. But first…empty out your mouthwash bottle and fill it with nitric acid, empty out your cologne bottle and fill it with sulfuric acid, and empty out your contact solution and fill it with glycerin. One quick trip to the bathroom and you’ve got yourself…can you guess? 18 oz. of Nitroglycerin…enough to do some serious damage to an airplane.

Before anyone smarter than I am starts commenting, I’ll admit it. My plan has a flaw or two inherent to it:

First of all, I’m afraid acid might eat through a plastic container; second of all, I don’t actually know how to combine the above chemicals to make nitroglycerin. It might take some kind of equipment that wouldn’t fit in your carry on.

The point is that on a high school chemistry education I’m pretty sure I can figure out a way to get around the 3 oz rule, so I’m pretty sure any college chemistry major (or terrorist who knows a thing or two about chemicals) would be able to come up with a working plan to take down an airplane if you gave them three empty plastic 3 oz containers.

he third flaw to my plan is that I don’t actually want to take down an airplane. All I want is a drink of water!

This is where the other loophole comes in:

Milk, baby formula, and prescription medicine bottles can be any size and still be carried onto the airplane. All I need is a prescription for a liter of medicine or but an extra-large baby formula bottle, empty it out, and fill it with water! BAM! I’m a genius! I could even bring extras and sell it to the passengers around me! I could bring a six-pack basket of milk bottles like the old-timey milkmen used to carry! How much trouble could I possibly get for smuggling water onto an airplane?

Well…a lot.

…I guess.

Maybe I could find a doctor to write me a prescription for water. Yeah, that’s the ticket. A real prescription saying that for health reasons I need to drink a liter of water every hour. That’s the ticket! Anyone know a doctor willing to write out shady prescriptions?

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2 Responses to Not Appropriate to Discuss in the Airport

  1. maskedbandit says:

    I laughed. Good read.

  2. Jason Tyne says:

    I learned after posting that you can bring empty bottles through and just fill them at the water fountain…sheesh…why didn’t I think of that?

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