The Problem with Terrorist Groups and Why I Would Never Join One

It’s all in the marketing.
When the New People’s Army or The Lord’s Resistance Army ask me to join, I’m like, “Uh…no…I’m just not that into joining an army.  If I wanted to fight in a war, I’d just join our own army.”
It’s the same with The Special Purpose Islamic Regiment and the Tunisian Combat Group.  Just because they aren’t armies proper, I know what regiments and combat groups.
“Not my scene, man…not my scene”
The Sabotage Battalion of Chechen Martyrs are getting more creative, but I still know what a martyr is.  As much as I dislike killing I think I might dislike dying more.  I mean, I don’t have experience in either…it’s just a hunch.
If you’re part of a Martyr Battalion, Group, or Regiment, my answer is “No thanks.  Not interested in suicide today.”

If I were looking to join a terrorist group, I would be more tempted to join The Benevolence International Foundation or the People’s Aid of Peru.

“Sure, I’m into benevolence. That sounds cool.”
Perhaps I might join The Liberation of Tigers of Tamil Eelam.
“I love tigers!  Sign me up and set them free!  Down with animal circuses.”
Wait.  Here’s a cool one.  How about The Shining Path?  That sounds nice.  Oh…or Black Star!  That sounds rad!
“Hey ladies, I’m a Black Star.  Want to walk down my Shining Path?”  If you join those groups, you’ll get all the ladies.
That’s what these terrorist groups need better names.  I bet that if the Moroccan Islamic Combatant Group renamed themselves the Moroccan Islamic Poker Club they would get more members…or if the Libyan Islamic Fighting Group renamed themselves the Libyan Islamic Comedy Club.  It’s all about PR, people!  Seriously, would you rather join The Jerusalem Warriors or The Jerusalem Hug Circle?
“Yes, I could use a hug today.”  Bam!  You’re in!  Hugs all around.
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